I always come back to the blog with a thought of “starting something new!” or “a new journey!”. I am horrible at finishing what I start. I am revising my food choices. I am an unhealthy weight. I feel like shit. I feel better now that I have started eating better foods again, but I still feel that energy sap. I just can not bring myself to do anything. Depression? Maybe. I’ve always had that. I have learned to live enjoyably with it. It is like a cousin to me now. I just accept that it is there and once in a while it visits and then goes home. Sometimes I visit it. You know, it’s nice to take turns and all.
My new stress, house purchasing. What a fucking load of shit this is. How the hell anyone makes it through this process is a miracle. For all the money in the world, I wish I could just get a little chunk of land, enough to raise my food on, and just live out there, where no one else is. Then I can bitch about how lonely I am and wish I was back at this junction. Credit scores are a bunch of bullshit. If you miss one payment on something or you go over a percentage on your credit usage, you may as well just kiss your housing dreams goodbye for a month. Regulating my husbands credit, while trying to pay off debt and run a household, while simultaneously fighting depression and anxiety should be a job that gets a paycheck in itself. I don’t remember when anxiety became so prevalent in my life, but I could do without that bit. I know how to deal with my depression, but irregular heartbeats, sweats and general not feel goods are something I am having a hard time getting used to.
Sometimes I watch everyone around me excel at life while I have a pity party for one in the corner.
I often wonder why my thoughts don’t translate into some genius idea that will make me enough money to survive. I do not want to be rich and/or famous. I would be a horrible celebrity. I would be in the tabloids constantly for being a general douche. Twitter wars, yeah, I would have them. Partially because I always am on the defensive. When you get bullied and feel like you’re never really heard and understood, you become very argumentative. You feel like you constantly have to fight for your ideas. Ideas spark and shoot up like a firework and then fizzle into the dirt. They never come to fruition. I always here “That’s a great idea! You should market that!” Well, I have. Then you don’t buy it! You all want it for free, I don’t blame you, I do to.
I wish we had the barter system. I would excel at that.
Back to what I started now…
I’m going to go do some Daily Burn. Wish me luck.