I have been getting my life in order. I am getting out all the things that will harm me moving forward in life. I’ve had a lot of damage. This vessel is broken in ways that I don’t even know if I can fix alone. Most of my feelings you can see on my skin. Stretched taught. I’ve eaten my feelings for as long as I have been able to feed myself. I block a lot out. I can’t get to the root of the issues. Food has long played a nurturing role in my life. I wont tell me I am ugly or weird. It wont tell me I am wrong, even when I know I am not. It wont speak or yell or even whisper one flaw. In fact it does the opposite. It comforts me, calling me into its warm, non-judgemental arms, hugging me with sugar and spice, while slowly killing me. Please do not think I am oblivious to that. I know it my soul. I know it when I panic about it. I know it when I can’t go on hikes, walks and camping. I feel it in the panic of wondering if a seat will hold my girth. I know it when I have to find a last-minute seamstress to add a corset to my wedding dress. I don’t think I have ever felt enough. I don’t know what enough is and I am constantly chasing it. I don’t want to. I really want to just stand up and be like, NO. I am enough. But unlike any other drug or drink that you can rehab for, you need food to survive. You can’t just leave it. I have to now find the balance. What is NORMAL? I have started going through my thoughts with a fine toothed comb, searching for something that will just click. I’ve found many other things that were helpful on my search, and have improved myself by examining these things, but is it enough……
- You would be so pretty if…
Well if I had a penny for every time someone said this to me. First of all, how dare you? Have you any idea what this statement does to people? You think you are being nice?? By doing what, pointing out someones flaws? Heres a clue, its RUDE AS FUCK. Just stop. If you don’t stop I will be forced to tell you how pretty you would look with your mouth sewn shut.
- Are you sure??
Now, with this statement/question, I am excluding people who are asking out of genuine concern, like if you trip and fall and they ask if you want help and you say no. Then it is perfectly ok to ask this. If you are considering another slice of pizza, it is not ok. It’s not cool to say “Are you SURE you need that?” Listen, I appreciate the sentiment behind it, but all it does is make me panic that I can’t control myself and I need guidance in every single area of my life. And who knows, maybe I feel I earned that slice of pizza! Maybe I did a 100 Booty Busting SQUATS!! If you’re saying “well, if I DON’T say anything, you will be mad later!” No, sweetie, I wont. And if I am, it will be at myself, not you because you didn’t STOP me from eating the evil pizza monster. Would you like someone telling you how many calories are in that Tall PSL? :\
- My (mother/sister/cousin/aunt/Gram) is a big woman, too.
Well shit! Gather the masses! What the actual fuck should I do with this info? Should I feel more comfortable with you or like you more because you have a relative that may or may not have some issues like mine? If anything, it makes me avoid you more, just because you have no idea how rude it is to be not only comparing fatness, but to be airing all your families junk out there. We aren’t a fucking side-show.
- That’s my THING! I LOVE big girls!
Isn’t that a lovely opener. I am so, so glad I’m married now and I don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. You get this comment from the guys and then from the ladies I always get “Black guys must LOVE you!!” WHAT?THE?FUCKING?ACTUAL?FUCK????? Why don’t you just mosey on up to someone who isn’t white and say that and see how they feel about that. How inappropriate and freaking racist. I will have you know that men of ALL colors love that fat ass. I married the palest ginger on the planet. He LOVES ME. My ass is not a commodity. I am not a novelty.
- Well, why don’t you just…
*Insert excercise or diet fad here*
Really? If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have already done it? My moral is low, my self-esteem is shit, I am carrying around a whole adult person plus one on a 5 foot frame. Let me tell you how walking feels. Not only is it painful on my knees and hips, but my legs tighten up to the point of not moving, I am so out of breath that you have to ask if I am ok every 3 minutes, which makes me panic because I know what I must look like to others and that makes my breathing worse. I WANT to excercise but please, let me do it my damn self. I am going to touch on this more later…
- You must really love to cook!
Yes, I do love to cook. It is therapeutic for me. Is there a sign on me that says that? I was confused because I don’t know you, and I don’t really get down on judging people based on how they look because then I would think most people really like Douching. Seriously, start thinking before the words come out.
- THAT’S your husband??
Uh, yes? I must admit, I am pretty good at picking winners. He’s average build. Not super waify, but not lookin’ like he’s living at the gym, either. A handsome man, in my eyes. I am always taken back with this question. Like, what did you expect? Am I not enough??? 😉
- Oh, great! You can help me!
I’m a helper by nature. I love helping. But don’t ask me to be in your plus sized bullshit. I am not the “token fat girl friend”. I will not be your wing-person, model, example, side-show, excuse, charity case. Please don’t think you are doing me a favor by bringing me places with YOU. No doll, if anything, I’m making YOu cooler. We are not here for your amusement or pleasure. We don’t like to be used as the “fat friend”. We also don’t want to be a project. I had a friend briefly that thought she would be “helpful” by making a “fun game” out of getting everyone together for a night out and then announcing to the group her new goal of “Getting Jenny Skinny!”. Like, GEE, bitch. Thanks! Not only was it humiliating, but WTF what if I am ok with myself? You should want to make me “healthy” or “fit”, I don’t need to be Barbie.
- Do you want to walk together!?
“I walk all the time! It will be great! We can start slow, with a mile!” Bitch! I have enough trouble walking around the block! I would eventually love a walking partner, but now, you would be punishing yourself walking with me. It would be the slowest, shortest walk ever. I am not angry with this question, it just makes me feel bad. I politely decline usually, but I can see the sadness that people have after I do that and I feel like shit later. I appreciate the thought. I know I am hard to watch at times and you really do just want to help, but I am not ok with myself enough for this hot mess yet! <3
- Oh, I thought you wouldn’t say no!
This one is going to make more people than me mad, but maybe it will also make some people think a bit harder about themselves. When you fine gentlemen go out for the evening and it’s hitting that desperate hour (you know, right before the club lights turn on), and you have yet to find your slampig, please do not approach the fat girl like she is an instant score. We aren’t there for the end of the night losers. Ladies, stop fucking enabling these assholes! So you didn’t find a dude this time? OK! pack up, go home, and get ready for then next night out! You don’t have to fucking settle with an asshole that thinks you don’t deserve a WHOLE evening of his attention. The sex is going to suck anyhow! He is probably working with very little, and will have whiskey dick on top of it. You’ll get him home ( cause he either lives with mom or a roommate), he will barf in your car on the way home, then he will break some sort of breaky shit you have in your house trying to get his $200 shoe off (he bragged about it), then the “magic” will happen and ten minutes later he will ask you for cab money. Or he will steal from your purse. Or both. Save yourself the trouble. Learn to say no. Its ok, youre enough.