Ten Things…

I have been getting my life in order. I am getting out all the things that will harm me moving forward in life. I’ve had a lot of damage. This vessel is broken in ways that I don’t even know if I can fix alone. Most of my feelings you can see on my skin. Stretched taught. I’ve eaten my feelings for as long as I have been able to feed myself. I block a lot out. I can’t get to the root of the issues. Food has long played a nurturing role in my life. I wont tell me I am ugly or weird. It wont tell me I am wrong, even when I know I am not. It wont speak or yell or even whisper one flaw. In fact it does the opposite. It comforts me, calling me into its warm, non-judgemental arms, hugging me with sugar and spice, while slowly killing me. Please do not think I am oblivious to that. I know it my soul. I know it when I panic about it. I know it when I can’t go on hikes, walks and camping. I feel it in the panic of wondering if a seat will hold my girth. I know it when I have to find a last-minute seamstress to add a corset to my wedding dress. I don’t think I have ever felt enough. I don’t know what enough is and I am constantly chasing it. I don’t want to. I really want to just stand up and be like, NO. I am enough. But unlike any other drug or drink that you can rehab for, you need food to survive. You can’t just leave it. I have to now find the balance. What is NORMAL? I have started going through my thoughts with a fine toothed comb, searching for something that will just click. I’ve found many other things that were helpful on my search, and have improved myself by examining these things, but is it enough……

Ten Things:

  • You would be so pretty if…
    Well if I had a penny for every time someone said this to me. First of all, how dare you? Have you any idea what this statement does to people? You think you are being nice?? By doing what, pointing out someones flaws? Heres a clue, its RUDE AS FUCK. Just stop. If you don’t stop I will be forced to tell you how pretty you would look with your mouth sewn shut.
  • Are you sure??
    Now, with this statement/question, I am excluding people who are asking out of genuine concern, like if you trip and fall and they ask if you want help and you say no. Then it is perfectly ok to ask this. If you are considering another slice of pizza, it is not ok. It’s not cool to say “Are you SURE you need that?” Listen, I appreciate the sentiment behind it, but all it does is make me panic that I can’t control myself and I need guidance in every single area of my life. And who knows, maybe I feel I earned that slice of pizza! Maybe I did a 100 Booty Busting SQUATS!! If you’re saying “well, if I DON’T say anything, you will be mad later!” No, sweetie, I wont. And if I am, it will be at myself, not you because you didn’t STOP me from eating the evil pizza monster. Would you like someone telling you how many calories are in that Tall PSL? :\
  • My (mother/sister/cousin/aunt/Gram) is a big woman, too.
    Well shit! Gather the masses! What the actual fuck should I do with this info? Should I feel more comfortable with you or like you more because you have a relative that may or may not have some issues like mine? If anything, it makes me avoid you more, just because you have no idea how rude it is to be not only comparing fatness, but to be airing all your families junk out there. We aren’t a fucking side-show.
  • That’s my THING! I LOVE big girls!
    Isn’t that a lovely opener. I am so, so glad I’m married now and I don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. You get this comment from the guys and then from the ladies I always get “Black guys must LOVE you!!” WHAT?THE?FUCKING?ACTUAL?FUCK????? Why don’t you just mosey on up to someone who isn’t white and say that and see how they feel about that. How inappropriate and freaking racist. I will have you know that men of ALL colors love that fat ass. I married the palest ginger on the planet. He LOVES ME. My ass is not a commodity. I am not a novelty.
  • Well, why don’t you just…
    *Insert excercise or diet fad here*
    Really? If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have already done it? My moral is low, my self-esteem is shit, I am carrying around a whole adult person plus one on a 5 foot frame. Let me tell you how walking feels. Not only is it painful on my knees and hips, but my legs tighten up to the point of not moving, I am so out of breath that you have to ask if I am ok every 3 minutes, which makes me panic because I know what I must look like to others and that makes my breathing worse. I WANT to excercise but please, let me do it my damn self. I am going to touch on this more later…
  • You must really love to cook!
    Yes, I do love to cook. It is therapeutic for me. Is there a sign on me that says that? I was confused because I don’t know you, and I don’t really get down on judging people based on how they look because then I would think most people really like Douching. Seriously, start thinking before the words come out.
  • THAT’S your husband??
    Uh, yes? I must admit, I am pretty good at picking winners. He’s average build. Not super waify, but not lookin’ like he’s living at the gym, either. A handsome man, in my eyes. I am always taken back with this question. Like, what did you expect? Am I not enough??? 😉
  • Oh, great! You can help me!
    I’m a helper by nature. I love helping. But don’t ask me to be in your plus sized bullshit. I am not the “token fat girl friend”. I will not be your wing-person, model, example, side-show, excuse, charity case. Please don’t think you are doing me a favor by bringing me places with YOU. No doll, if anything, I’m making YOu cooler. We are not here for your amusement or pleasure. We don’t like to be used as the “fat friend”. We also don’t want to be a project. I had a friend briefly that thought she would be “helpful” by making a “fun game” out of getting everyone together for a night out and then announcing to the group her new goal of “Getting Jenny Skinny!”. Like, GEE, bitch. Thanks! Not only was it humiliating, but WTF what if I am ok with myself? You should want to make me “healthy” or “fit”, I don’t need to be Barbie.
  • Do you want to walk together!?
    “I walk all the time! It will be great! We can start slow, with a mile!” Bitch! I have enough trouble walking around the block! I would eventually love a walking partner, but now, you would be punishing yourself walking with me. It would be the slowest, shortest walk ever. I am not angry with this question, it just makes me feel bad. I politely decline usually, but I can see the sadness that people have after I do that and I feel like shit later. I appreciate the thought. I know  I am hard to watch at times and you really do just want to help, but I am not ok with myself enough for this hot mess yet! <3
  • Oh, I thought you wouldn’t say no!
    This one is going to make more people than me mad, but maybe it will also make some people think a bit harder about themselves. When you fine gentlemen go out for the evening and it’s hitting that desperate hour (you know, right before the club lights turn on), and you have yet to find your slampig, please do not approach the fat girl like she is an instant score. We aren’t there for the end of the night losers. Ladies, stop fucking enabling these assholes! So you didn’t find a dude this time? OK! pack up, go home, and get ready for then next night out! You don’t have to fucking settle with an asshole that thinks you don’t deserve a WHOLE evening of his attention. The sex is going to suck anyhow! He is probably working with very little, and will have whiskey dick on top of it. You’ll get him home ( cause he either lives with mom or a roommate), he will barf in your car on the way home, then he will break some sort of breaky shit you have in your house trying to get his $200 shoe off (he bragged about it), then the “magic” will happen and ten minutes later he will ask you for cab money. Or he will steal from your purse. Or both. Save yourself the trouble. Learn to say no. Its ok, youre enough.

    Neil and I on our wedding day.

    My husband and I on our wedding day.

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I’m On Fire.

So I thought you guys would like this really hauntingly beautiful cover of I’m on Fire sung by Bats for lashes. I really feel like the style this is sung in really brings the heart of the lyrics to the forefront. You can feel all that raw, nasty emotion. Feel it!! Is there a “go-to” mood altering song for you that you just love? I would love to know about it! Leave it in the comments below. Let’s make our own Spotify play list.

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Going Green…

My choice to go vegetarian this month had been long on my mind. I have always felt a kindred connection to my feathered or furred friends. I preferred salamanders to sun tanning, puppies to perms, lions to love notes. I loved collecting the little ceramic animals from the Red Rose Tea boxes. I dreamed of unicorns. I longed for lounging with lions. You get the gist.

I grew up not really caring much for the emotional or global impact I had. I didn’t think that when i was 6 and traipsing around in my leather shoes that i was doing anything “wrong”. I really dislike to use the word wrong in this instance. Is it wrong to kill animals for food? No, not at all. I am not a devout Peta prostitute baring my bloggy flesh for all to see that I, for one, wont eat meat! I’m not going to be shaving my head for bunnies, not shaving for salmon, or any other silly shit the media would like you to believe. I just think that if I want to eat meat, I should be able to kill it with my own bare hands. If I can’t, then maybe I don’t deserve to eat it. It’s a respect issue, for me. Why am I better than the animal, that stood huddled in a row at a slaughter-house to, well, I will save you the gory details. It isn’t a fair fight. That animal deserves to live and die a respectful way. This is a growing trend in not only America, but the world. If you can not respect the food that goes into your body, you stop respecting yourself, and then others, and so on. Now this is the mess we are in. We have lost common compassion. Think back before the internet if you can. Do you think half of what happens now would then? Would there be massive paparazzi swarms so large that they are causing accidents just to get a glimpse of someone famous for existing? Famous for being ______ … naked, rich, high, stupid, brave, gay, just pick a random hot topic and place it in the box. There are so many scenarios that I would be here all day and quite frankly, no.


When Cecil the Lion was splashed across every electronic device in america, I felt the utmost awful feeling. I never heard of Cecil before this, but here I was, stuck to this awful story that some jerk felt compelled to kill him. You watch it all the time on TV. The natural Geographic channel, the news, internet sites, and it is becoming mind numbing. Is that what these hunters want? These killers of man and beast? To be numb when it comes to our personal moral compass? I just can’t. I have heart. Lots. Too much sometimes. So, I am choosing to leave meat off my plate, to not wear leather, or use leather goods. No down feathers for me. Hygiene products have all been cleared out and replaced or made by hand with cruelty free products. I have been recycling more ( let’s be honest, we have all just thrown it in the trash at times). I still feel not so great about things though.

I have been searching my soul to figure out what is misplaced in my heart space. I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s not in the suffering of animals. Maybe it is the whole Earth crying that has me bothered. When did we just stop caring? How pissed do you get when you get cut off in traffic? Now how pissed do you get when someone has a blinker on and is just a bit too close when moving over a lane? Same reaction? Yeah. Me too. My rage level is at a solid 70-75%. That is horrible. Where the heck does it come from?? I have NO reason to be that mad. I have a nice home that keeps me safe, warm and dry. I have family and friends that love me and care about my well-being. I have food, water, companions, pets, clothes, a vehicle… The list goes on. I am even fortunate enough to have my own little blog. Some people don’t have any of those.

So maybe some of you lovelies can help me. I am going to make a conscious effort to be better. I know I will fuck up. I know I will get mad when someone cuts me off or I am stuck in traffic. I will get pissed about paying a ridiculous amount of money for grapes. Maybe if I place it all here, I can get it out, move on and help someone else in the process. I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me a great technique you have for stress. I am all ears.

Until next time,

Try a little tenderness? 😉



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All of the New

Hey again.

I was having a moment. So much has happened!

I have another nephew.

I have another furbaby.

I have a husband.

I am ALMOST in a new house.

I feel like my life took a fast track to adulthood, but in a VERY slow car. I really feel like I should have accomplished some of these things sooner in life and then at the same time, I feel Fuck it. It’s my life right?

So first things first. The nephew! Dominic Harry. SUCH a cute little ball of baby. He was born a tad bit early, gave us all a scare, but he’s pretty punk rock now! Tough as nails and cute as buttons. He is a good boy and he and his brother, Logan, are a great pair.

Without further ado:

Dominic and Uncle Neil

Dominic and Uncle Neil


And also,

Chloe and Dexter

Chloe and Dexter

Ugggggg!! I am on cute overload. This is Dexter. He is our third rescue pup and he is such a little turd. I say that with all the furmom love in the world. He is a great dog, breed unknown, but if we had to guess we would say some sort of pitbull-shar pei-heeler hybrid robot dog. His likes: Long walks on the beach, a few ice cubes and his favorite chew toy. Oh, and beating up his sister, Chloë.

Remember that cute redhead above? Not the smaller one, the one with the beard.

I married him. (Insert extreme smiling fan girl face here)

Neil and I on our wedding day.

Neil and I on our wedding day.

Those are the major life changes.

As for the blog that I gave up on. I am changing it. It will be more of my thoughts, feelings, things I am up to, stuff I am trying or working on. If you aren’t interested, I understand. You don’t know me, I don’t know you. Feel free to stick around or if you are so offended you can not even TAKE one more word, well, the “X” is in the uppermost right corner, you know what to do.

I don’t want to be pigeonholed or painted into a corner. I want to say what I want, when I want and I want people around that are going to like it. Shit, who knows, it just might be good! 😉

‘Till next time-

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The Best Muffin Recipe I Have Ever Used!

Hi! Sorry for the lack in posts, but I think this recipe may make up for that! I have been on the hunt for a muffin that will make me so happy that I sprout wings and float. That hasn’t actually happened yet, but one can dream. This recipe comes very close. I wanted a huge bakery style muffin. The kind you buy for $4.00 and takes you all day to eat. The kind that isn’t a cupcake with no frosting (I see you, little tiny pretend muffins! we aren’t fooled!). The kind that is dense but has a nice crumb, almost crispy on the outside and has that beautiful muffin top that everyone tries to work off at the gym. I’ve found it. The best part is that you can use it as a standard muffin recipe and just add in your flavorings! SO.Happy! I found it on Pinterest, and I will share it with you now. Please give the owner of the recipe some love! Thanks all! Happy Tuesday!

Sally’s Baking Addiction Muffin Recipe10339566_10152407780726253_1282348456229647661_n

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My Little Dude Turned One…


I never thought that I could love another little human like I love him. He is the cutest babe, but I may be bias! He is learning to walk, crawl, baby babble, eating new foods, and getting teeth. He is wide-eyed and ready to take on the world.

           It amazes me how much we lose as we grow older. Our sense of wonder, curiosity, love, trust and innocence. Some people lose it all, and some a little, but it is never like when you are young. Playing under a kitchen table was a magical place, maybe a castle or spaceship. I used to play house, and was always the wife, cooking up leaves and mashing grass and dirt for dinner. Somehow it all worked. You wished to be older. You heard the warnings from elders to enjoy your youth as you have it and not wish it away, you will regret it later. You thought they were nuts. What was so bad about being able to drive and wear make up and date? Having your own home and doing “whatever you want” ( which I assumed was being able to sit in your pajamas, eating cookies and ice cream and watching cartoons all day. Then going to bed at 10!) Then it happens. You go from 21 to 30 in about five minutes. What.The.Heck. Things are starting to droop, dimple and wrinkle; you can’t have three drinks without feeling like a train hit you, and those bills that you piled on the table are still there waiting for you the next day. Life happens. Fast. I just want to put little man in a bubble and shout to him that you need to take it slow. Savor every second. Be a kid as long as you can. Go to school and REALLY learn. Go to college. Get a couple of screw around jobs, then find something you are really good at and really love and make that money! Then proceed to SAVE that money. Fuck credit cards. They are not cool and they are not your friend. Don’t live beyond your means. If you can’t afford that $1600. TV today, then you can’t afford it tomorrow either. Don’t worry about impressing people. The people that matter don’t mind and the people that mind don’t matter. Be happy in the presence of others, but learn to enjoy the solitude of yourself as well. And lastly, when you find that person you can’t live without, make sure you treat them as well as you treat yourself. Make them know that they are loved and appreciated. I will always be here and love you no matter what. Happy First Birthday Little Star.

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